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Abbott: Well Costello, I'm going to New York with you. The Yankee's manager gave me
a job as coach for as long as
you're on the team.
Costello: Look
Abbott, if you're the coach, you must know all the players.
Abbott: I
certainly do.
Costello: Well you know I've met the guys. So you'll have to
tell me their names, and then I'll know who's playing on the team.
Abbott: Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give
these ball players nowadays very peculiar names.
Costello: You mean
funny names?
Abbott: Strange names, pet names ...... like Dizzy Dean...
Costello: His brother Daffy
Abbott: Daffy Dean...
Costello: And
their French cousin.
Abbott: French?
Costello: Goofy
Abbott: Goofy
Dean. Well, let's see, we have on the bases, Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third...
Costello: That's what I want to find
out.
Abbott: I say Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on
third.
Costello: Are you the manager?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: You
gonna be the coach too?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: And you don't know the
fellow's names.
Abbott: Well I should.
Costello: Well then who's on
first?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: I mean the fellow's name.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy on first.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The first
baseman.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy playing ......
Abbott: Who is on
first!
Costello: I'm asking you who's on first.
Abbott: That's the man's
name.
Costello: That's who's name?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Well go
ahead and tell me.
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: That's who?
Abbott:
Yes.
PAUSE
Costello: Look, you gotta first baseman?
Abbott: Certainly.
Costello:
Who's playing first?
Abbott: That's right.
Costello: When you pay off
the first baseman every month, who gets the money?
Abbott: Every dollar of
it.
Costello: All I'm trying to find out is the fellow's name on first base.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy that gets...
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: Who gets the money...
Abbott: He does, every dollar of it.
Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.
Costello: Who's wife?
Abbott: Yes.
PAUSE
Abbott: What's wrong with that?
Costello: All I wanna know is when you sign up the
first baseman, how does he sign his name?
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The
guy.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: How does he sign...
Abbott: That's how
he signs it.
Costello: Who?
Abbott: Yes.
PAUSE
Costello: All I'm trying to find out is what's the guys name on first base.
Abbott: No. What is on second base.
Costello: I'm not asking you who's
on second.
Abbott: Who's on first.
Costello: One base at a time!
Abbott: Well, don't change the players around.
Costello: I'm not changing
nobody!
Abbott: Take it easy, buddy.
Costello: I'm only asking you,
who's the guy on first base?
Abbott: That's right.
Costello: OK.
Abbott: Alright.
PAUSE
Costello: What's the guy's name on first base?
Abbott: No. What is on
second.
Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Abbott: Who's on
first.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott: He's on third, we're not talking
about him.
Costello: Now how did I get on third base?
Abbott: Why you
mentioned his name.
Costello: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who
did I say is playing third?
Abbott: No. Who's playing first.
Costello: What's on base?
Abbott: What's on second.
Costello: I
don't know.
Abbott: He's on third.
Costello: There I go, back on third
again!
PAUSE
Costello: Would you just stay on third base and don't go off it.
Abbott:
Alright, what do you want to know?
Costello: Now who's playing third base?
Abbott: Why do you insist on putting Who on third base?
Costello: What
am I putting on third.
Abbott: No. What is on second.
Costello: You
don't want who on second?
Abbott: Who is on first.
Costello: I don't
know.
Together: Third base!
PAUSE
Costello: Look, you got an outfield?
Abbott: Sure.
Costello: The left
fielder's name?
Abbott: Why.
Costello: I just thought I'd ask you.
Abbott: Well, I just thought I'd tell ya.
Costello: Then tell me who's
playing left field.
Abbott: Who's playing first.
Costello: I'm not
....... stay out of the infield!!! I want to know what's the guy's name in
left field?
Abbott: No, What is on second.
Costello: I'm not asking you
who's on second.
Abbott: Who's on first!
Costello: I don't know.
Together: Third base!
PAUSE
Costello: The left fielder's name?
Abbott: Why.
Costello: Because!
Abbott: Oh, he's center field.
PAUSE
Costello: Look, You gotta pitcher on this team?
Abbott: Sure.
Costello: The pitcher's name?
Abbott: Tomorrow.
Costello: You don't
want to tell me today?
Abbott: I'm telling you now.
Costello: Then go
ahead.
Abbott: Tomorrow!
Costello: What time?
Abbott: What time
what?
Costello: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?
Abbott: Now listen. Who is not pitching.
Costello: I'll break your arm
if you say who's on first!!! I want to know what's the pitcher's name?
Abbott: What's on second.
Costello: I don't know.
Together: Third
base!
PAUSE
Costello: Gotta a catcher?
Abbott: Certainly.
Costello: The catcher's
name?
Abbott: Today.
Costello: Today, and tomorrow's pitching.
Abbott: Now you've got it.
Costello: All we got is a couple of days on
the team.
PAUSE
Costello: You know I'm a catcher too.
Abbott: So they tell me.
Costello: I get behind the plate to do some fancy catching, tomorrow's pitching on my
team and a heavy hitter gets
up. Now the heavy hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me, being a good catcher,
I'm
gonna throw the guy out at first. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who?
Abbott: Now that's the first thing you've said right.
Costello: I don't
even know what I'm talking about!
PAUSE
Abbott: That's all you have to do.
Costello: Is to throw the ball to
first base.
Abbott: Yes!
Costello: Now who's got it?
Abbott:
Naturally.
PAUSE
Costello: Look, if I throw the ball to first base, somebody's gotta get it. Now who has it?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Who?
Abbott:
Naturally.
Costello: Naturally?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: So I
pick up the ball and I throw it to naturally.
Abbott: No you don't you throw
the ball to Who.
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: That's different.
Costello: That's what I said.
Abbott: You're not saying it...
Costello: I throw the ball to naturally.
Abbott: You throw it to Who.
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: That's what I
said!
Abbott: You ask me.
Costello: I throw the ball to who?
Abbott:
Naturally.
Costello: Now you ask me.
Abbott: You throw the ball to Who?
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: Same as you! Same
as YOU!!! I throw the ball to who. Whoever it is drops the ball and the guy
runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to What. What throws it
to I Don't Know. I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow, Triple play. Another guy gets up and hits a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know!
He's on third and I don't give a darn!
Abbott: What?
Costello: I
said I don't give a darn!
Abbott: Oh, that's our shortstop.
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