Folks, we don't normally send out virus warnings, but this one is extremely serious:

If you receive an email entitled (fill in the blank) delete it immediately. Do not open it! Apparently this one is very nasty. 

It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It will demagnetize the stripes on all of your credit cards.

It will reprogram your ATM access code, mess up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.

It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so that all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.

It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law's number, even if she's dead.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

It will drink all your beer.

It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.

Its radioactive emissions will cause your bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you DO have some), to migrate behind your ears.

It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine.

It will date your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and bill their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.

It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Athlete's Foot.

It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

It will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. 

It will not only remove the tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skimmed milk with whole milk.

It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.

It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles (Remember Brut 33 ?).

It is insidious and subtle.

It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.

It is also a rather interesting shade of purple.

These are just a few signs of infection. You have been warned. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

PLEASE FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW. TWICE.

If you do, then Bill Gates will send you US$1 million, Nokia will give you a free cellular telephone ......

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