Golden
News
Volume 13 - Number 15 - 11 October
1999
The weekly newsletter of the Rotary Club of Kowloon
Golden Mile, Hong Kong.
Web site: www.rckgm.org
Comedy Of Errors.
Well, we've certainly had better organised weeks at KGM.
Firstly, yours truly announced the guest speakers as being
Mazhar Sultana and Kumar Ramanathan, however this was only 50% correct because
it should have been Mazhar and David Harilela. OK, so the information I was
given was wrong, but this did not help our resident Barrister Kumar, who was
frantically searching for his wig, which was apparently on a conference
call with Monica Lewinsky's hair stylist. Bad hair day ? Nope, it was more like
a "Where the hell IS my hair ?" day. Strike 1.
Secondly, eventhough the correct speakers turned up ready to
give their Vocational Talks, only the effervescent Mazhar managed to finish her
talk, because our beloved President Ram "Shackle" is obviously bidding for a
listing in the Guinness Book of Records for the World's Longest Rotary Club
Meeting Ever. We are now seriously thinking of starting our meetings on
Wednesday mornings and becoming the world's first Rotary "Brunch"
club. Strike 2.
Thirdly, our scheduled second speaker David who proudly
invited his dear old Dad and half the Harilela clan to our meeting (which is, of
course, equivalent to the population of Australia), to witness his talk, and
which meant we also had a record turnout of attendees at our meeting, was to no
avail, because David did not even get a chance to speak. Strike 3.
Oh well. Things could've been a lot worse, I guess. At least
we didn't have to transfer our meeting to the Hyatt Hotel again at the 11th
hour. Now that would've been fun.
Welcome:
A warm welcome to
our newest member Jane Singer, who was inducted into KGM as an Active Member
on 6 October 1999 under the loaned classification of "Publishing
- Fashion Magazine". Jane was introduced to KGM by DG Dipo Sani
"Tarium".
If you have not already done so, please
introduce yourself to Jane and make her even more welcome. Jane has already been
an active supporter of our fellowship events (even prior to joining KGM),
and we hope she will also be an active contributor to our Community Service
activities in the months and years to come.
Member
Update:
Our old mate Mervyn "Rocky" Cragg, Bean-Counter Extraordinaire, recently
decided to take a whole new career path and join one of the world's most
prominent advertising companies although, frankly speaking, I've never heard of
them before ! However if they are the guys who did that dreadful "Sunraysia" ad
which appears on TV in the wee hours of the morning, I think Mervyn should be
taken outside and shot. Twice.
Anyway, for those of you
dying to contact Mervyn to wish him well, he can henceforth be contacted at:
D'Arcy Masius Benton & Bowles, 6/F Devon House, Taikoo Place, 979 King's
Road, Quarry Bay and his contact details are Tel: 2590 5263, Fax: 2856
9945, and Mobile: 9882 6886. His new title is Regional Finance Director, Asia
Pacific, which means he has a really huge expense account (nudge, nudge, wink,
wink, say no more !). Oh yeah, he likes roses and Mrs. Field's
cookies.
KGM Finally Achieves 100%
!:
Sadly I do not mean "Attendance in District 3450" which, in
our case, is languishing miserably in the 60% range.
However I am nonetheless thrilled to announce that after
the last remaining stalwart Angel Yan "Can Cook, But Only Congee" finally
decided to give up her telex machine and carrier pigeons, KGM members are now
100% on email. Hooray !
Are we the first club in District 3450 (or the world) to
achieve such a distinction ? Well, I'm not sure about that, but it still gives
me a warm & fuzzy feeling to know that my fun-poking, chain-rattling
and regular insults reach every member of KGM. I simply do not like doing
things by half-measures. I want to have a chance to offend everybody.
Welcome Committee:
Speaking of stalwarts, on
duty this week are Angel "Ying and" Yan and PP Robin "The Hood"
Ching.
Remember guys, you're
supposed to arrive at the club not later than 12:30 p.m. and wear those really
garish red sashes. However if PP Robin wants to wear green tights instead, it's
OK with me.
This Week's Speaker: VP Alex Lau
Topic: Ambassadorial
Scholarships
Yes folks, as El Prez
would say, "Our Very Own" VP Alex Lau (as opposed to somebody else's VP Alex
Lau), will be giving us one of his inspirational talks on Ambassadorial
Scholarships of the Rotary Foundation.
Of course young Alex is eminently qualified to give this
talk, having personally been an Ambassadorial Scholar in a previous life (in
between his current life of being a legal-eagle and an even earlier life of
being Mao Tse Tung's movie double).
This Week's Birthday
Celebrants:
12 October - Luciano
Pavarotti. OK, so he is not
exactly a member of KGM but, hey guys, I gotta put something in this space, OK
?
Anyway, the Extremely Large Italian With The White
Handkerchief was one of my best students, so I thought I would just pay tribute
to him. No, dumbo, he's not one of my singing students. Sheesh. My
contribution to his career was far more significant. I taught him how to eat
pizza with one hand, which is a skill Australians learn at an early age with
meat pies, so that we don't look silly like our former colonial masters who
still need a fork and knife. (Ed: Shut up and get on with the KGM Bulletin). Oh,
sorry.
Last Fellowship
Event - Oktoberfest.
Unfortunately I could not
attend this event, as I had to make yet another quick visit to the
Philippines on Thursday.
Nonetheless, my spies tell
me the Oktoberfest was yet another highly successful event, with a grand
total of 92 (!!) KGM members, partners and guests attending. Impressive
turnout for such a little club, huh ?
Although I am yet to
receive blackmail copies of the photos of the evening taken by the hotel F&B
Manager, I am reliably informed that event organiser Hans "Pass The Schnapps"
Peter was cajoled into being a participant in the cow-bell ringing show.
However an argument apparently ensued when he kept demanding that his bell
remain attached to a cow. This was understandable, given that by 8:00 p.m.
he was as full as a Baptist church on Sunday.
There is also a vicious
rumour circulating about a certain female member of our club who (despite being
married to RC of Wanchai Rtn. John Cohen and being in the jewellery
manufacturing business), shall remain nameless. Apparently, she was last seen
doing the chicken dance on top of one of the tables, although we have yet
to understand the significance of her doing so while holding two huge bratwurst
and one of those twisty bread rolls. Trust me, I've seen her in an even more
creative mood !
Next Fellowship Event: Chinese Night
& Karaoke !
OK, first the good news. Our extremely generous Chinese
members are once again hosting their annual Chinese night, and all members
of KGM (and their partners), are invited to attend free of charge, and this
even includes those stingy members who rarely, if ever, attend fellowships where
they actually have to pay their own way. Yeah, yeah, I know, but it had to be
said, OK ?
Anyway, now for the bad news. In an effort to reduce their
costs, the Chinese members are deviously combining this evening with a Karaoke
session, and they have announced that PP Robin "Elvis" Ching will be giving his
famous rendition of the renown Chinese Opera entitled: "Why I don't have any
neighbours". That should reduce the numbers (and costs) significantly !
Although details of the event are still a bit sketchy (like,
what else is new ?), I do know it will be held on 20
November 1999, but the venue is yet to be decided. I guess organisers VP
Ebe Tung "Chee Wa-Tusi" and Rtn. Miranda "King" Kong need to keep finding a new
venue each year because, well, you know, we sorta get banned from returning to
the same place ever again.
Anyway, watch this space ----->
<----- for more details in future bulletins, but mark your diaries now
!
Forthcoming Club & District
Events:
1) Vocational Service Seminar - 26 October
1999
This will be hosted by the RC of Peninsula (during
their regular Tuesday lunch meeting), at the Hong Kong Hotel. Contact KGM
Vocational Service Director Miranda Kong at miranda@clotex.com.hk or by telephone to
9199 3077 if you would like to attend.
2)
District Tennis Tournament - 30 October 1999
This evening event will be hosted under lights by
the RC of Hongkong Bayview at the Club de Recreio, King's Park,
Kowloon. If you would like to form a team, contact KGM Sports Liaison
Officer PP Bryan Van Dale at bvd@pacific.net.hk or by telephone to 9481
5586.
3) KGM Fund-Raising Walkathon - 5 December
1999
This will be
held on Sunday 5 December 1999, at the same
venue as last year but, since I forget where that was, I am still waiting for
organisers President Erect "Butch" Cassidy Lam or PP Louis "Trailwalker" Thomas
to remind me, so that I can put the details in the bulletin. Hello ? Anybody
there ?? HELLO ??? Nobody ever tells me anything, well at least nothing I can
publish here.
Anyway, your club hopes
that this event will be the sole Fund Raising event of the year, and we expect
that every member will raise (or contribute) not less
than the paltry sum of $2,000 in sponsorship. Official KGM Sponsorship
Forms will be available soon.
If we don't achieve our
Fund-Raising target with this event, we will need to embark upon additional
fund-raising activities, so please support this event and maybe we can leave you
alone for the rest of the year, OK ?
Rotary Information -
Correction
In last week's bulletin, I incorrectly stated
there were only two KGM members (PP Robin Ching and DG Dipo Sani), who qualified
as Senior Active Members of KGM, because we actually have three
(3) Senior Active Members in KGM. Exciting stuff, huh ?
Come on down, PP Louis Thomas ! Yes folks, our dear old mate
"Lou Trailwalker" (a.k.a. Luigi Thomasini), qualifies because he is older than
the pyramids and he has also satisfied the relevant Rotary tenure
requirements.
My humble apologies for this oversight, for which I shall
whip myself mercilessly for an hour as an act of contrition. Yeee-haaaaaaaa !!!
Any excuse for a bit of "hey, nonny-nonny" right ?
Actually I once knew a guy who was into flagellation,
necrophilia and bestiality, however he quit after he realised he was
basically flogging a dead horse. (Ed: Very droll).
KGM Web Site:
Some members (who obviously do not read their emails
properly), have unsuccessfully tried to log-in to the KGM Member's Password
Protected Area by typing in their own name (i.e. Joe Bloggs) when the little
pop-up screen asks for "User Name".
If you still have the private email I sent you on 28
September, you will note there is a "common" User Name and Password (i.e. they
are the same for all members). If you have already deleted the subject
email, slap yourself vigorously over the head with a garoupa, then just send me
an email and I will give you the relevant details by return.
1)
www.garfield.com/bulletin/postcard/ is one
of the many free electronic "e-mail postcards" sites available on the WWW. If
you would like to save a few trees and send a friend an electronic postcard,
this site is as good a place as any to start.
For the benefit of the computer-impaired out there, the
"wallpaper" on your computer is what you see as the background on your
computer screen after it finishes loading up (Elissa - you have to plug it in
first, OK ?). Anyway, unless you changed it to a picture of President Ram "Bo"
in the nude, it is probably either a yucky plain blue colour or it is the boring
"Windows" wallpaper. Well now you have a chance to change it to something a bit
more attractive.
If you would prefer a picture of me in the nude, you are
clearly sick individual. Take two Cyanide pills and call me in the
morning.
Quote Of The Week:
"I don't exercise. If God wanted me to bend over, He
would have put diamonds on the floor."
Joan Rivers
Joke Of The Week:
Three couples, an elderly couple, a
middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.
The pastor said, "We have special
requirements for new parishioners. In order to prove your faith, you must
abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed to come back at the
end of two weeks.
On their return, the pastor asked each
couple in turn, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The elderly couple replied, "No problem
at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the
church!" said the pastor.
The middle-aged couple replied, "The
first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a
couple of nights but, yes, we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the
church!" said the pastor.
The pastor then turned to the
newlywed couple, who replied, "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for
the two weeks," the young man replied with a heavy heart.
"Can you at least explain what
happened?" enquired the pastor.
"Well Pastor, my wife was reaching up
for a can of orange juice on the top shelf and she dropped it. When she bent
over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I am ashamed to say I took
advantage of her right there and then."
"You understand, of course,
that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"We know," said the young man, "And
we're also not welcome at Park 'n' Shop anymore either."