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Your intrepid Bulletin Editor was definitely not a happy camper last week. Booked to fly to Cebu at 7:30 a.m. last Thursday, I made a quick call to Cathay Pacific at 5:45 a.m. to enquire whether Typhoon York would affect flights, and I was given a very confident "No Sir !". Arrive at Chek Lap Kok at 6:30 a.m., after battling severe crosswinds on the Tsing Ma Bridge which made me feel like I was driving a bowl of congee, to find that all flights had been cancelled and an announcement would be made at 11:00 a.m.

DefCon 4. Retire to the Airport Hotel for a *very* leisurely breakfast of Eggs Benedict (twice) and 7 litres of coffee.

11:00 a.m. arrives, and my overseas guests and I are told the announcement would be delayed until 1:00 p.m. DefCon 3. Another 5 litres of coffee later, we are told the announcement would be again delayed until 5:00 p.m. DefCon 2. I decide to call it a day and head back to HK Island, despite the "don't even think about going outside" warnings.

I eventually find a hotel for my guests in Wanchai, check them in, then head for home through the obstacle course formerly known as Queensway. I get TWO, count 'em, TWO flat tyres, forcing me to gingerly limp home. DefCon 1.

I arrive home and Mrs. Phantom asks: "Would you like some coffee, honey ?". Houston, we have lift-off. Phantom commits hare-kare with a knife lovingly supplied by Mrs. Phantom.

Oh well, I guess it could've been worse. At least I wasn't struck by a flying cow.

Finally fly to Cebu on Friday after a further six hour delay. Arrive Cebu and wait one hour for our luggage. Arrive at hotel, check in, hit the bar and cause the prompt disappearance of two bottles of Tanduay rum. Once again, life is good. Mabuhay !

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Well I am impressed. Not only did VP Ebe Tung "Chee Watusi" conduct last week's meeting very presidentially, she even managed to finish on time. Hello ? President Ram "Bo" ?? Are you reading this ?? Did you buy a new watch in Cuckoo Clock Land ??

Considering it was VP Ebe's first time to run a meeting, I must offer her our heartiest congratulations on a job well-done. I did not even once think about using my supply of rotten eggs and tomatoes against her, although I was definitely tempted to use them against a certain KGM member seated at my table who clearly has insufficient manners to (at least) conduct their conversation at a subdued volume while VP Ebe conducted the meeting.

Anyway, VP Ebe will be "in the chair" again this week, while President Ram "Bo" continues his assault on Europe.

Ashok "Corporal" Kirpalani, who has finally returned from wherever he was hiding. Hopefully Ashok's return to base will ensure that we will have (at least) one of our tripartite of Sergeants-At-Arms present at all club meetings for the remainder of the year.

If he does, we will consider promoting him back to Head Sergeant. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more ??

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Environmental management is currently a very hot topic in Hong Kong, and it will be interesting to see what Mr. Nicholson has to say about how this issue is being handled (or mishandled !) by the HKSAR Government.

24 September - Balaji "Gonzo" Prasanna, our newest member, who shares his birthday with Jim Henson, creator of the Muppets !

By the way, the image of "Our Fearless Webmaster" on the KGM web site is actually "Beaker", who is one of the many characters created by Jim Henson. If you are a fan of the Muppets, visit http://www.muppets.com/ to learn more about them.

Contrary to popular belief, the primary duty of the Sergeant-At-Arms (SAA) is NOT to fine KGM members. While this is certainly the fun aspect of acting as SAA, this position also comes with important responsibilities, including (in no particular order):

1) To nominate three members to introduce Visiting Rotarians & Guests and to give a Vote Of Thanks to our guest speaker;

2) To guide members and visitors to their seats when the chime is sounded, and to ensure we don't have more than a maximum of one partially filled table (note: the front tables should be filled first);

3) To ensure the Head Table is filled;

4) To ensure Visiting Rotarians do not all end up on the same table, and definitely not on their own;

5) To assist the President to maintain order during the meeting (i.e. gagging members and others who do not have the common courtesy to keep quiet while the President and/or other speakers are talking or making announcements;

6) To appoint a member to take a photograph of the Guest Speaker and to pass it and a souvenir folder to the President for presentation to the Guest Speaker;

7) To ensure that the sign-in sheets are available and correctly dated, and that the Visiting Rotarian and Guest registers are open and ready for signature;

8) To give the Guest Speaker a "Guest Name Tag", and to provide them with refreshments;

9) To assist the Guest Speaker with their presentation appliances (e.g. slide projectors, overhead projectors, TV etc.);

10) To generally assist the President in other ways, such as with passing around the "lucky draw" box etc. 

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I am happy to announce that the KGM web site has been checked by www.websitegarage.com and it earned an overall "Good" rating.

We actually rated "Excellent" in terms of the key areas of Browser Compatibility, Dead Link Check and (most importantly), HTML Design, but this was offset by a rating of "Poor" in terms of Spell Checking. However this is highly unfair and misleading because the (American) spell-checker rejected most member's names, Hong Kong place names (and proper English spelling !) as being errors.

We only rated "Good" in terms of the Load Time Check, because our page takes 1.5 seconds longer than the standard to load-up due to the considerable number of images on our web site.

All-in-all, your Webmaster is rather pleased with this result, but he will continue to strive for an improved overall rating.

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"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants".

A. Whitney Brown

Most people call their dog "Rover" or "Fido", however I called my dog "Sex".

However Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He replied, "You don't need one, at least not yet.".

I told him, "You don't understand, but this is for a dog!", but he said he didn't care what she looked like.

Then I said, "I've had Sex since I was nine years old", and he replied that I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took my dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and I, but I wanted a special room for Sex. He said every room in the motel was OK for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night" and the clerk replied "Me too !".

One day I entered Sex in a contest but, before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around, so I told him I planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets.

"But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV.". Then he called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.

I told the Judge, "Your Honour, I had Sex before I was married, so I think I am entitled to have Sex now." The judge said, "Not in my courtroom you won't !".

Then I tried to explain that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him.

Eventually a cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 a.m. in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex."

My case comes up Friday.

The Phantom