Golden News

Volume 13 - Number 06

The weekly newsletter of the Rotary Club of Kowloon Golden Mile, Hong Kong.

Visit our web site at: www.rckgm.org

HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM .....

OK, so it wasn't quite as serious as the problems faced by the astronauts of Apollo XIII but, in KGM terms, it measured an 8.5 on the sphincter scale.

Imagine the scenario. Your intrepid Bulletin Editor is sipping a nice hot cup of tea, and generally enjoying life when he receives a frantic telephone call from Club Secretary Nanu "Nanu" Lachman, stating that the Holiday Inn Golden Mile had just informed him they had lost all power supply to the hotel. The time ? 12:05 p.m. The day ? Wednesday. The reaction ? Oh pooh (or words to that effect) !

Three minutes later. The abovementioned intrepid person is in his car, radar-detector switched on to warp mode, winging his way to Tsimshatsui at the speed of fright, frantically dialing Juergen Walter, GM of the Hyatt Regency Hotel, to ask for a function room for 30 people "in ten minutes". No Juergen, I am not nuts. No Juergen, I have not been drinking. Yes Juergen, I am serious ! Eleven minutes later, the car screeches to a halt in the driveway of the Hyatt Regency, almost killing 23 Japanese tourists (heavily armed with semi-automatic assault Nikons), and said Hyatt GM, who is bravely standing in the driveway of said hotel to personally greet said intrepid person.

One minute later. Cut to Regency Room III of said hotel. Witness nine (count 'em, 9 !) Hyatt Regency staff (including the F&B Manager), unfolding and covering tables, unstacking chairs, sliding walls, playing Frisbee with bread 'n' butter plates, unfurling napkins like they were lassos, juggling water glasses etc. etc. Barnum & Bailey comes to Hong Kong ? Yep. Total pandemonium.

Intrepid Bulletin Editor and Hyatt GM join the fray, the former taking charge of dispensing the cutlery, the latter dispensing other items such as Valium and Prozac. Eight minutes later, first batch of KGMers start arriving from Holiday Inn wearing miner's hats with lights still on. Fifteen minutes later, it is "business as usual" for the regular luncheon meeting of the RC of Kowloon Golden Mile. Ta-da !

You had to be there. As it turned out, a total of 31 people sat down to enjoy a lovely seafood soup, followed by either steak or one of those bloody awful Bugs Bunny meals, with a huge bowl of fruit salad as a grand finale. Sure, the drink service was a bit slow, and a few minor accessories were missing (like the gong - much to the chagrin of El Prez Ram "Bo"), but, all things considered, I think we did pretty well. Of course SOMEBODY still had to whine or complain about one thing or the other but, as Winston Churchill once said: "Sod 'em !".

A million heartfelt thanks to the management and F&B staff of the Hyatt Regency Hotel, in particular GM Mr. Juergen Walter and Customer Services Manager Ms. Eva Kwan, who truly saved the day for KGM.

However next time, ven you put ze bread und butter knives on ze plates, I vant to hear vun click, OK ? Ein. Zwei. Drei. Click ! YAH. Das is good !

BEAM ME UP, SCOTTIE (or should that be Paddy ?) !

Well it seems that my cold and heartless efforts to shame the handful of "non-email" Dinosaurs of the club to join the 21st Century are working, as I am delighted to welcome Liam "Internet ? What Internet ?" Drake back into the fold this week. Actually he called me to ask if it was possible to fax a copy of the bulletin to him but, after I quoted my hourly rate and minimum charge (based on the Hong Kong Law Society scale), he opted to accept email. Devious, huh ?

One down, two to go .............. OK, not counting Mazhar "I used to be a grape but I'm OK now" Sultana who, despite her best efforts, has yet to find her email address, which is still mysteriously hiding somewhere inside her computer. Reward offered.

BULLETIN CONTRIBUTIONS & ANNOUNCEMENTS

If you would like to make a contribution to the Bulletin, just send an EMAIL to me by clicking on "reply to sender" when you receive this or any future issue of the Golden News. The same applies to announcements from Club Directors and/or Committee Chairman. The Golden News now goes to 52 of our 55 members, which represents a 94% coverage. Not bad for a bunch of old er, ah, "wind-breakers" !

By the way, please DO NOT fax me, OK ? I have neither the time nor the inclination to re-type your messages BUT I will be more than happy to edit, re-format, spell & grammar check and re-distribute your message if I receive same by EMAIL.

The Golden News is usually despatched after midnight on Sundays so, if you want your message to appear in a regular issue, please send your contribution or announcement to me LATEST by 9:00 p.m. any Sunday.

LAST WEEK'S SPEAKER - Chris Watts "24 hours beneath the Rainbow Sea".

Quite an interesting talk and video presentation about his experiences in the Maldives and the unfortunate state of their coral reef, which is suffering from "bleaching" as a result of unusually high sea temperatures due to La Nina (second cousin to El Nino).

Frankly I don't care if those two ARE related to Fidel Castro - this nonsense has got to stop, OK ? They've damaged the Maldives reef AND the Great Barrier Reef, and I don't think we should tolerate these salsa-dancing, cigar-chomping Cubans any longer. There. I said it.

Anyway a rather lengthy vote of thanks was given by Mazhar Sultana. Actually it was more like another speech, and I guess I will be accused of sour grapes for saying so. (OK, OK, enough already with the grape/sultana jokes).

THIS WEEK'S SPEAKER - Rtn. Silva Yeung - "The Special Olympics"

Yes folks, our very own financial whiz-kid Silva "The Treacherer" Yeung (a.k.a Four Finger Wu, which probably goes some way to explaining the problems with sub-totals on the Club Accounts), will give us a talk about his personal involvement with, and Hong Kong's recent successes in, the Special Olympics.

However IF Silva turns up with a javelin or a shot putt in hand, I am definitely NOT sitting at the front table, OK ?

NEXT FELLOWSHIP EVENT:

What's happened to our old mate "Stormin'" Norman Liu ? He never calls. He never writes. He never sends me flowers. Worst of all, he never tells me about what he has planned for fellowship this month.

Oh well. All I can do is provide him with the space in Golden News and hope for the best. Watch this space ----->      <----- !

KGM WEB SITE:

Since there is nothing really exciting to report this week about the KGM web site, I thought some of you might like to check-out the following web site http://www.mainframe.org/humour14.htm , which has a sort of humourous "Meaning Of Life" feel about it. Enjoy !

However many members have asked me which software the Webmaster used to create the KGM web site. Well you will probably be surprised to learn that the KGM web site was written entirely "by hand" in HTML (Hyper Text Markup Language). If he used one of the popular software programs such as MS Front Page, it would be much easier and faster to use than pure HTML, however the "host" for our web site (the people who give us the free storage facilities for the various pages which make up our web site etc.), do not have all the requisite "extensions" necessary to allow us to use a propriety software program.

In other words, this is similar to comparing "Windows" to "DOS". Sure, "Windows" is easier to use, but the Webmaster can achieve identical results writing everything in "DOS". It just takes a little longer.

Our next Hong Kong host will definitely allow the use of propriety software but, since the vast majority of KGM's web pages are complete, I guess it will be just as easy to transfer them on an "as is" basis.

NETIQUETTE:

Some members have asked my advice about buying things over the Internet with their credit cards. There is also a perceived threat that this practice is extremely risky.

Firstly let me debunk the "extremely risky" bit. Using your credit card over the Internet is no more dangerous than using it to pay for lunch in a restaurant in Hong Kong or your hotel bill overseas. Sure, in these two cases you get to sign your bill and keep a copy BUT these days your signature in not necessary. If there is a criminal element working in the restaurant or hotel, they just need to get your credit card name, number and expiry date (which of course is very easy), and they can then go shopping up to your credit limit.

Secondly the usual "caveat emptor" (buyer beware), applies the same whether you are paying for goods in a dingy little place down in Kowloon City or on a dubious web site on the Internet. If you limit your credit card purchases to shops and web sites which have a reputation to guard, your chances of being stung are minimal. Buy something from "Ah Bun's Fish Ball Stall" in Kowloon City or from "Madame Xena's House of Pain" on the Internet, and you are probably asking for trouble (although she does have some really nice fishnet stockings, stiletto heels and handcuffs).

However the best advice I can give intending web shoppers is to apply for a "basic" credit card from your bank EXCLUSIVELY for use on the Internet. You must also insist on a low credit limit of, say, $10,000 for this card. This way you only give out credit card information for a single card, all your Internet purchases appear on a single statement each month AND, most importantly, in the unlikely event that you ARE ripped-off and the bank says that you must pay for the edible, strawberry flavoured underwear which somebody purchased on your card, your maximum liability is only $10,000.

Simple, huh ? I can tell you that The Phantom has made numerous purchases via the Internet without a problem (OK, except that one time when they confused my order of KY Jelly and Spackfilla and all my windows fell out !).

FORTHCOMING DISTRICT EVENT - MEMBERSHIP DEVELOPMENT SEMINAR

This will be held from 6:30 p.m. to 10:00 p.m. on Friday 27th August at the Holiday Inn Golden Mile Hotel, Tsimshatsui. This event will also be an "Inter-city Meeting", which means there will be multiple Rotary Clubs from District 3450 acting as joint-hosts for the seminar. I understand that KGM has been invited to be one of the joint-host clubs, but we will not be able to consider whether we wish to participate until the next KGM Board Meeting to be held on the 17th August.

Irrespective of KGM participation, if you would like to attend this event, contact KGM Membership Director Carola Masuch or President Ram. Of course any member who attends this event is entitled to claim one (1) "make-up" towards their attendance record.

THIS WEEK'S BIRTHDAY CELEBRANT:

12 August - Carola Masuch, who shares her birthday with Cecil B. De Mille and Pete Sampras.

By the way, I reckon Pete Sampras must be the hairiest guy on the ATP tour. Sheesh ! He's unbelievable. His armpits are so hairy it looks like he's got Don King in a headlock !

QUOTE OF THE WEEK:

"If you wanna see the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.".   Dolly Parton

(To which I would counter: "If she wants to see her waist, she is definitely gonna need a mirror" !!)

JOKE OF THE WEEK:

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven.

At the pearly gates, the angel tells Davidson, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you choose in Heaven."

Davidson thinks about it for a minute and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself."

The angel takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God.

Arthur then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?"

God says,  "Ah, yes, I am."

"Well," says Davidson, "I've been meaning to talk to you about that, because you have some major design flaws with your invention:

1. There's too much front end protrusion;

2. It chatters at high speeds;

3. The rear end wobbles too much, and;

4. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmm ........" replies God, "hold on just a minute."

God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits patiently for the result.  The computer finally prints out a slip of paper and God studies it carefully.

"Well, it seems that you are right, and my invention is certainly flawed," God replies to Arthur Davidson, "but, according to my computer, more people are riding my invention than yours."

The Phantom