Golden News
Volume 13 - Number 05
The weekly newsletter of the Rotary Club of Kowloon Golden Mile, Hong Kong.
CUT ! CUT ! CUT ! TAKE 35 !
OK, Mr. President, enough is enough. Here's the thing, dude. You *must* ring the gong BEFORE you start talking, otherwise the extremely noisy, rabble-rousing KGM crowd, lead by PP Robin "I AM NOT YELLING" Ching, will miss the first bit of your opening remarks. Are you with me here, or what ? Hello ? It would probably also help if your first two words were "Shut Up !!", and these should be expressed in the loud, booming voice for which you are infamous. On the other hand, you could use that funny looking thing placed in front of you, which is actually a microphone. Please stop trying to eat it, OK. It is *not* a black Chupa-Chup on a licorice stick.
Nonetheless, apart from a minor improvement with timing, our beloved President Ram "Bo" is truly doing a fine job.
By the way, on the subject of fines, our latest stand-in for our seemingly ever-absent tripartite of Sergeants-At-Arms was Hans "Knock, Knockwurst" Peter, who is definitely not a person to mess with. He is big, he is mean and he knows where you live, which probably has something to do with the fact that (a) he's German and (b) he's in the local property business. Be afraid. Be very afraid. The Big German is back, and he is not amused. Ever. Especially with computer consultants who are MIA. Enough said ?
Anyway, his first order of business was to fine our three missing Sergeants $500 each "in absentia" for missing four consecutive meetings. Pretty reasonable I thought. In fact, anything you wanna do is OK with me, big guy. Just don't shoot, OK ?
BULLETIN TRIALS & TRIBULATIONS !
Well I have been inundated with congratulatory messages for our new bulletin colours, and I am truly overwhelmed at the response I have received from members. Thank you, one and all, for your positive and encouraging feedback, which I truly appreciate.
If you believe the above paragraph, then I have the title deeds to the Sydney Opera House in my back pocket and, boy, do I have a deal for you !
Oh well, nothing new I guess. At least nobody has been complaining, so I guess I should console myself with the fact that at least one former member William "Grumpy" Fai (voluntarily) and Terrence Annamunthodo "But I'm OK Now" (under duress) sent me messages saying they liked the new colours, although Terrence mentioned something about never wearing pearls with corduroy !?
On the subject of former members, our old mate Steve "Not like that, like that" Evans was in Hong Kong over the weekend for a whistle-stop, one night visit and he called me, but alas I was in Manila (yes, Virginia, that's two weekends in a row !), so I could not join him for a cleansing ale, although I must admit I had a few Tanduay & Cokes in his honour. However Steve tells me he is still enjoying Tokyo and doing well.
Also, after 2 years there, Steve finally knows the difference between a condom and a condominium ! Now that is progress, I must say ! He also confirmed he reads, enjoys and looks forward to this bulletin each week (crawler !), and he has threatened to darken our doorstep on his next visit to Hong Kong which includes a Wednesday.
LAST WEEK'S SPEAKER - Kenneth Kwan Ph.D. "Chaos to Order: Benefits & Secrets of Traditional Chinese Advanced Qigong, Yan Xin Qigong".ER - Kenneth Kwan Ph.D. "Chaos to Order: Benefits & Secrets of Traditional Chinese Advanced Qigong, Yan Xin Qigong".
Well, as Forrest Gump would say: "That's all I have to say about that!". (You had to be there ........)
THIS WEEK'S SPEAKER - Chris Watts "24 hours beneath the Rainbow Sea".
This should presumably be a speech combined with an audio-visual presentation in respect of the event of the same title which was conducted in the Maldives during April 1999, whereby a group of photographers virtually lived underwater for 24 hours to film what must have been truly fantastic changes. Well worth attending !
LAST FELLOWSHIP EVENT:
Hmmm. I am seriously thinking about demoting "Stormin'" Norman down to "Drizzle" Norman because my spies tell me that there were only four (4) people who attended the last fellowship event held at Beer City in the Miramar Hotel. So much for my excitement last week.
This is a pathetic turnout despite the "Summer Exodus", which is an excuse I can no longer use in August. What is the main problem folks ? Are the fellowships not to your liking ? Are you too busy ? Just not interested ? Are monthly fellowships far too frequent for you ? Are they too expensive ? Are they not unique enough ? Not organised well enough ? Not enough naked women ? OK, there's *never* enough naked women, but surely you catch my drift ?
If you have suggestions for fellowship events, contact Norman and he will DALPO (Do All Possible) to accommodate your requests. Give Norman a break, OK ? He is not a mind-reader. If you do not speak up, how will he know what you guys wanna do ???
KGM WEB SITE:
Not much to report this week except that under the "Club Forms" section a "Notification of Prospective New Member" form has been added, and the "Club Calendar" has been updated to cover all known Club, District and International events.
However the Webmaster is delighted that members have already begun using the "Notification of Make-Up" form, which means we will have a lot less paper to file each year.
NETIQUETTE:
Judging by the comments I received at last week's meeting, members enjoyed my email tips last week, and urged me to publish a few more, so here goes with some important advice about VIRUSES:
1) You cannot get a computer virus just by receiving an email. Having said that, the most common mistake that "newbies" make is to open (double-click) on email *attachments* BEFORE they are scanned for viruses, and therein lies the difference. I presume most of you already have an anti-virus program but, if not, go buy and install one immediately. Do it. Today. I highly recommend "Norton Anti-Virus" (Version 5), which has saved my bacon on many occasions, but there are also programs manufactured by other leading names such as "McAfee" and "Dr. Solomon".
2) However just installing an anti-virus program in itself is not a panacea for all your problems. You must also set it up correctly, so that it affords you maximum protection but you also need to maintain it by regularly obtaining "updates", which are (in the case of Norton), available for download free-of-charge from their Internet web site. Remember that anti-virus software cannot necessarily protect against viruses which are created and disseminated *after* you buy and install your anti-virus software. There are morons out there who have nothing better to do with their lives than write malicious viruses while waiting to be arrested so BE WARNED.
3) On the options of your anti-virus software, you should select maximum protection. I have my Norton set up so that I cannot even open an email attachment (or even a text file), without receiving an on-screen warning reminding me to scan it first. My warning recommends that I "save to disk" first, which means I will (by default) "save" the attachment to my "scanning folder", which I have called "Scan". Once the attachment has been "saved" to my "Scan" file, I immediately run my Norton Anti-Virus and scan the whole "Scan" folder. Only after getting a clean bill of health will I open the file, which was previously an email attachment.
4) But, once again, it is essential to keep your anti-virus program up-to-date by obtaining free updates from the manufacturer's Internet web site. As a rule of thumb, I visit the "update" area every week, but usually more often. It only takes a few minutes to download and (automatically) install these updates, especially if you visit regularly.
OK, I realise there are some of you out there who are "absolute beginners", and you probably got lost when I mentioned the words "anti-virus". If you need help, do not hesitate to contact me, and I will be delighted to assist you.
THIS WEEK'S BIRTHDAY CELEBRANTS:
7 August - Neerja Sujanani, our always sweet, cheerful and glowing-in-pregnancy member who shares her birthday with Mata Hari, the famous WWII spy and Charlize Theron, the South African born hubba-hubba-mumma, who graces the cover and (God bless you Hef), also the inside pages of this month's Playboy magazine (which I buy purely for the articles, of course). What a combination !
Anyway Neerja, a big "Happy XXth Birthday" from the KGM Gang, and may all your troubles in life be limited to soiled nappies !
And, as KGM Club Advisor Larry "The Don" Parmanand would say: "May your first child be a masculine child" but, if it is, let's hope that it's not a girl ! (Rim shot).
QUOTE OF THE WEEK:
"Every man is a self-made man, but only the successful ones are ever willing to admit it.".
JOKE OF THE WEEK (Contributed by Jim Smillie):
A father is driving home one evening and remembers that it is his daughter's 10th birthday but he hasn't bought her a present, so he drives to the nearest shopping mall, goes to the toy store and asks the Store Manager:
"What's the most popular toy these days for 10 year old girls ?".
The Store Manager replies: "Well, these days girls of that age are going crazy for Barbie dolls again.".
"OK", said the father "What choices are available ?".
The Store Manager replies: "Well we have a big selection including 'Barbie Goes To The Gym' for $99.95, 'Barbie Goes Dancing' for $99.95, 'Barbie Goes Shopping' for $99.95, 'Barbie Goes To The Beach' for $99.95, 'Barbie In The Kitchen' for $99.95, and 'Barbie Gets Divorced' for $3,250.00".
"Why is the 'Barbie Gets Divorced' so expensive when all the others are only $99.95 ?" asks the father.
"Well" replies the Store Manager "The 'Barbie Gets Divorced' comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and all of Ken's furniture." !!!!!
The Phantom