Golden News
Volume 13 - Number 03
The official newsletter of the Rotary Club of Kowloon Golden Mile, Hong Kong.
WHERE IS EVERYBODY ?
Poor old President Ram "Bo" must have been feeling a bit depressed last week. He threw a party and nobody came.
Well, that's not strictly true. Although attendance was very low last week, this has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that our beloved President wore a lime green shirt to the meeting (it does, however, explain why so many members wore sunglasses !). Actually low attendance is a problem which occurs every year in July, as many people depart from our polluted shores for their summer holidays. Coincidentally, I understand that summer in the UK this year was actually last Wednesday, which can probably explain the conspicuous absence of so many of our British Brolly Brigade.
Never mind. Things will revert to normal soon. In the meantime, President Ram can settle into his new position and make all the gaffes all Presidents make in their first few weeks "in the chair" but with fewer witnesses. Devious, really.
But please, no more lime green shirts. We can forgive you one haute couture digression Mr. President but, if you do it again, don't ask why the food fight started, OK ? Would the Fashion Police please stand by with Apple Pie shields.
First time Sergeant Chris "The Hacker" Carroll did the dirty deed of extorting a reasonable amount of cash from unsuspecting victims, er, volunteers.
BULLETIN BLUES !
Your erstwhile Bulletin Editor has received numerous complaints (well, Brian Hodgson, 23 times !), that the Golden News was illegible, but I could not understand why. Well, as a result of my in-depth investigative reporting in Wanchai last Friday evening with the complainant and other equally devious types, the penny has finally dropped, and I now understand that the Rotary wheel logo which should have appeared only down the left-hand side of each bulletin was actually tiling across the entire page. This, of course, made the text impossible to read.
OK, I realise there are still a handful of heathens out there who refuse to yield to the almighty power of His Excellency Prince William of Seattle, and they continue to use browsers and email clients from Nets-Crap. Although resistance is futile, and you WILL be assimilated, I have removed the Rotary logo for the time being. So there. Happy now ?
In the meantime, I have enrolled our mate Hodgo into the Betty Ford Clinic for the Internet Impaired, and I hope he will soon see the light and leave the Dark Side of the Force.
LAST WEEK'S SPEAKER - Arthur Hacker
Well, this turned out to be quite an interesting talk about the origins of street names in Hong Kong, although Mr. Hacker's voice and pace of speech was reminiscent of our dear old mate (and former scribe) Walter Whyte, but under the influence of a 2 kilo cocktail of Valium and Sodium Pentathol.
This was followed by in-depth, thought-provoking questions of Mr. Hacker such as "Why is it called Stonecutter's Island?" (A: There used to be a stone cutting quarry there ......... duh !), and "Why is it called Gin Drinker's Bay (A: They used to drink a lot of Tanqueray and Tonic there while waiting for the cricket results to arrive by sea mail !) but, despite these highly challenging questions, Mr. Hacker remained unfazed. Bravo !
Anyway, it was a most enlightening chat, for which Jagdish "The Goatee" Pursram gave a most eloquent vote of thanks.
THIS WEEK'S SPEAKER - DG Dipo Sani - "My time with the L.A. Lakers."
Yes folks, our very own DG Dipo "Kareem Abdul Jabbar" Sani is making his "Official Visit" to our club. What does this really mean ? It is basically the same as when he comes as a regular member, except this time we have to pay for his lunch !!
Seriously though, we are truly honoured to have our "Homie" visit us in his official capacity as District Governor AND on his birthday, no less. Accordingly it would be nothing less than common courtesy to treat him with the respect which he deserves, and to demonstrate to him that we can, and do, take Rotary matters seriously. Also I would expect that members will refrain from making jokes at his expense. There is a time for levity and a time to be serious. I hope I have made myself clear.
(Note for Holiday Inn staff: Please use the low podium. Thanks.)
NEXT FELLOWSHIP EVENT
Well it looks as though things are finally starting to move on the Fellowship front. According to a cryptic announcement made by our Fellowship Director "Stormin" Norman Liu during lunch last week, there will be a BYOB "Fellowship Planning Meeting" to be held on Friday 23 July, but unfortunately the time and venue of that meeting has yet to be decided and publicised.
Presumably this is because the "Fellowship Planning Meeting-Meeting" did not reach a consensus on where to hold the "Fellowship Planning Meeting". Are you still with me here ?
Anyway, allow me to help. We just need a bar. With booze. Lots of booze. And a pen and paper. And somebody from our club who knows how to write. Legibly. Got it ? Good. Carry on.
NEXT VOCATIONAL VISIT
OK, OK, enough already. I realise I screwed up. Our resident Multi-Level Marketing Mojo Angel is NOT the Vocational Service Chairperson thingy this year. The person I should be directing my snide remarks to is Miranda "Handwash Only" Kong, who is actually Head Honcho of Vocational Service this year.
So, Miranda baby, what's happenin' girl ? How's about a visit to your label factory in China ? And is it true that when I buy a Christian Dior shirt for $1,000 from Lame Crawfish, and the label says "Made In France", this only refers to the label ? The shirt was actually made by little old ladies in Sham Shui Po. Well ? What's the story ? Answer on a postcard, please.
On the subject of garments and related accoutrements, the following was reportedly seen on the back of a Hell's Angel T-shirt as he was riding his Harley Davidson down Sunset Boulevard: "If you can read this, my b*tch fell off !".
KGM WEB SITE
This week an F.A.Q. has been added under the "Member's Only" section and an exciting new Poll entitled "Should President Ram get a tattoo and an earring ?" has been added to the "Mini-Poll" section (amazingly, all votes recorded so far have been "Yes"!). Make a difference. Cast your vote now. Also if you are interested in being part of the team which gets to hold President Ram down while his tattoo is being applied, please contact Ricky Tattoo in Wanchai and speak to Big Leroy (a.k.a "Dai Hak").
Trivia: Our web site now comprises over 30 separate pages of information, and there are another 15 pages planned. By the time the Webmaster finishes, we should have the most comprehensive Rotary web site in Hong Kong.
We have also created our own local "make-up" section, which is more logical and easier to read than those little cards they hand out every year. Check it out.
Will KGM win a prize for this ? Of course not. The Webmaster refuses to kiss people where the sun never shines (well, at least not people of the same gender !). Anyway, who cares ? KGM is undoubtedly the most successful (albeit non-conformist), Rotary club in District 3450. Results are our award, not meaningless pieces of paper.
THIS WEEK'S BIRTHDAY CELEBRANTS
21 July - DG Dipo Sani, who shares his birthday with Kenneth Star, he of "Zippergate" fame. Hmmm. In that case, should we get Dipo a box of Monica Panatelas ? Or Clinton Coronas ?
On the subject of birthdays, the following members have still not informed me of their birth date: Ashok K, Balu, Bert, Bhagwan, Patricia, Manu and the whole "J Team" (John, Johnny, Jack, Jim and James). Now, don't be shy, OK? I don't need your year of birth, just the day and month. If I don't hear from you within the next 7 days, I will put you all down as 30 February !
JOKE OF THE WEEK
A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a beautiful young woman.
Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house in tears, her husband stopped her and pleaded:
"Honey, before you leave, at least allow me to explain how all this came about".
"I was driving home along the highway, and I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled, so I brought her home and made her a simple meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the refrigerator."
"Then I noticed she wore very old, uncomfortable sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style."
"She was also so cold, I gave her a sweater that I bought you for your last birthday which you never wore, because the colour didn't suit you."
"Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but which are too small for you now."
"Then, just as she was about to leave the house, the young woman asked me:
"Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore ........................ ?"
The Phantom.